Being and becoming social is woven into the fabric of what it means to be human. We were all first brought into existence as a direct consequence of a social interaction, and as a fetus, each of us obtained nourishment as part of the symbiosis within the womb. At birth, we find ourselves surrounded by other people -- doctors and nurses. And if we're lucky enough, we'll go home with our mothers and fathers. From this point forward, we at once influence and are influence by our social environment, including the culture inherited from our parents and the dominant culture of the society at large. At the moment of our death, there are certain methods and rituals that are carried out by the living when it comes to the handling and processing of our bodies. In other words, from the moment of our conception to the moment of our death, we as individuals cannot escape "otherness." In fact, it is difficult to think of an individual without referencing "other people" against which to compare "individuality" in the first place. Said in another manner, individuals always-already embody some aspect of socialness.
Being at a bar is an awkward experience for me. Always is.
There are several reasons for this. Chief among the reasons is how one's world of "prior socialness" is ignored -- actively so. This appears to be a necessary prerequisite for being at a bar in the first place. In order for people to think of one another as a piece of meat and/or as a source of physical or economic pleasure -- in a process of dehumanization -- they purposely have to ignore the nexus of relationships that the "other" brings with them. (While some at this point might attempt to proclaim that sexual conquest is not at the root of all bar-visiting intentions, I daresay that the person who says this must be in a committed relationship. Or, perhaps they are at the end of a previous relationship.) The man who appears is someone's son, relative, and co-worker. He has his own world of involvements that might include higher education, drug rehabilitation, charitable service work, military experience, or fire fighter training. We cannot "guess" the precise variables in his life, but rest assured, a world of involvements already exists for him.
Similarly, the woman who appears is someone's daughter. Perhaps she's even a mother herself. We cannot be certain. Maybe she comes from a background filled with various frustrations. Or perhaps her upbringing was nice and peaceful and emphasized courtesy and education. Maybe she is an avid reader of J.R.R Tolkien or C.S. Lewis. Maybe she's filled with secrets? No one knows the origin of all her motivations, but rest assured that she brings with her a network of social interactions. This constellation of relationships of hers existed even before the first person laid eyes upon her this evening.
The actual encounter of the "other," however, is different.
No longer does the woman possess a constellation of social interactions; no longer is she a mother, or a daughter. No longer does her world of intentions and dreams matter. She is the incarnation of Eros, lust, and love. She begs for attention with her short skirt. She runs her fingers through her hair -- primping herself -- for ultimate presentation. She laughs loudly and hugs all that approach her. Indeed, she's doing all in her power to flee from the pangs of loneliness -- however, all that men see is easy prey.
Similarly, he begins his chest thumping exercise. He postures and carries himself as if he's all powerful. He acts like an alpha male and shows off his muscles, tattoos, and piercings. This man who is someone's son, someone's father, someone's co-worker is now the ultimate hunter and predator. Selecting him as a mating partner would bring about the healthiest and strongest children. Like the quarterback of a football team, this man is a leader who commands the loyalty and strength of his friends. He dresses flashy to catch your attention. He speaks louder than everyone else to show social dominance.
All of this masquerading seems too fake.
When this man, this woman, enter into my field of perception, I *know* they bring with them a nexus of social relationships. I know that there are several motivations at work for them being here in the first place. I understand their desire for others to be attracted to them. But all of this posturing and false advertising seems to place additional blockades between themselves and other people -- all hindering the process of authenticity and the discovery of the "other."
Many relationships begin just like this.
Many relationships end like this.
If we cannot get in touch with ourselves and articulate the movements of our hearts, souls, and minds, then how can we expect to find repose in this world? Perhaps the problem is me and my preconceptions. I believe that learning about one's self is of utmost importance -- and what meaningful lessons can be drawn from such inauthentic encounters with other people, save the necessity to avoid them and the experience of guilt that happens after them?
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