Thursday, October 13, 2011

Why relationships fail

There are a multitude of reasons why relationships fail. It would be a long and arduous task to examine each particular reason for each particular person. Therefore, this particular blog entry will revolve around one particular reason why relationships fail: failure to practice in the manner that encourages success. Either consciously practicing for success was abandoned from the beginning or it has been done incorrectly for such a long time that the habit of failing has taken its place time and time again. However, practice itself has a situational context that must be explored if we are to understand its importance.

Practice has a beginning and its repetition becomes a habit. Habits can be "good" or "bad;" they can be functional or they can hinder; they can serve to build up or they can be used to tear apart. Before habits take root, it is important to plan them with as much conscious effort as possible. Relationships will perform in the manner that they were practiced. Practicing well helps relationships go well; practicing poorly will lessen the chance for harmony.

Self Knowledge

Before we can even talk about the purpose that another human being will serve in your life, how well do you know yourself? Have you explored how your family has shaped your world-view? Have you explored how your social culture influences what you consider to be important? You'd be surprised at how blind most people enter relationships without being able to answer basic questions about their family of origin. Ladies, if you had an abusive father, you might seek out men who are abusive in a similar manner. Men, if you had a neglectful mother, perhaps the women in your life are also neglectful? Perhaps you yourself have adopted a value system similar to your parents? Perhaps you are physically abusive with your wife because you witnessed your mother's boyfriends being physically abusive with your mother.

All of these topics are worth your exploration time before getting involved with another person.

Communication

What function does being in a relationship serve? Do you know why you're with your partner? Does your partner know why you're with them? Do you know why your partner is with you? The reason why communication is important is because each person has the innate need to believe that their existence is treasured and valued. And communication is how a person knows that their existence is valued. When a person believes that their existence is not treasured and valued, depression usually sets in. Now while personal perception of one's self-worth plays a large part in their belief of being a valued human being, communication from other people influences self-worth.

Lack of communication or in the inability to communicate makes being in a relationship extremely difficult. Even animals communicate to one another through hoots, grunts, or growls. Some animals communicate non-verbally through chest pounding, dragging large branches, or with colorful feathers. Humans, with our sophisticated frontal cortex, communicate both verbally and non-verbally. We can put emotions and thoughts into words, but we must practice putting thoughts and emotions into words. Journal writing or keeping a diary is a great way of practicing putting thoughts into words!

To be a better human being

People enter relationships with different, and even sometimes contradictory, goals. The purpose of practicing self-knowledge and practicing communication is to enhance the clarity of perception. All of this is for the sake of becoming a better human being, even in the absence of your partner. If each individual relied on others for motivation to become a better human being, then it almost seems that the particular individual lacks the self-directedness to strive toward a goal bigger than themselves.

Why relationships fail

In order to be the best person for your partner, several steps are needed to be taken up before your partner's eventual arrival. Getting to know yourself and practicing the articulation of thoughts and emotions for the purpose of becoming a better person (even without the motivation a partner) are what is needed. One reason why relationships fail is because people lack the drive to explore themselves before allowing another person into their personal world. Other people seem to serve as a "distraction" from personal exploration and understanding; scars left from neglectful mothers and or hurtful fathers distort and influence how others are perceived.  Perhaps other people are being used in order to hide from the responsibility of processing the hurt from the past?

Life is its own reward.

What are some other things people can do to ensure that their relationships are successful? How are some other ways that relationships fail?

Life is its own reward

The older I get, the more evident certain truths become to me. One particular truth has been repeating itself over and over lately: life is its own reward. What this means is that a person's life will reflect their choices, their attitudes, their acceptances and their rebellions. The "reward" of life is life itself. If you don't believe me, visit the nearest cemetery and ask the tombstones what the reward of life is.

Life as it exists in the present is the incarnate embodiment of present attitude, present choice, present experiences, and present interpretation. While it might be tempting to think of one's present existence as simply the culmination of prior experiences, the understanding of such a reverse-looking explanation occurs in the present. In other words, interpretation of the past always occurs in the present. And depending upon present context -- emotional, intellectual, spiritual, situational -- details from the past move in and out of focal awareness. For this reason, it is easier for us to recall memories that reflect our present situation. A person who is depressed right now, for example, will interpret their history differently than when they are filled with joy and excitement.

Life is its own reward

Each person is ultimately responsible for the state of affairs in their own life. While some might be tempted to remove themselves from personal responsibility through blaming their parents, their childhood, their environment, their failed relationships, their friends, their religious leaders, their social status, their economic status, their abusive boyfriend, and so forth ad nauseum, the choice to abdicate themselves from personal responsibility is still a personal choice. Stated another manner: choosing not to choose is still a choice. While we cannot control the facticities of existence, such as our DNA structure, the physiology of our brains, the color of our hair or eyes, we can choose the manner that such facticities are interpreted.

We cannot choose the cards that have been dealt to us -- however, we can choose our reaction to those cards. "Life is its own reward" means that a life will reflect the choices made during the course of that life, whether for bliss or woe, for good or bad, for pain or pleasure. Life follows choice.

I write this to not remove hope but to give it; for life up until this point has been filled with sorrow, depression, sadness, anger, or anxiety. And up until now, these darknesses of the human condition have taken hostage one's innate openness to possibility. Said in another manner, pain and suffering constrict an individual's openness to being to the point where existence itself becomes an expression of pain and suffering. And here too, life is its own reward, for rather than choosing to fight the choice to "give in" to this darkness has been made. Plants cannot grow in dark closets.

Yet at the same time, the difference between following all that has come before and exploring what is to come rests in a different perspective. We can say something like, "My life up until this point has been filled with pain and suffering, and the life I live now in the present is like scar tissue around my heart preventing me from feeling. There is no hope because the course of my life has been set, and I have been predestined to fail." Life is its own reward. We can also say something like, "Despite my past, I choose to have a different future -- a future of my own making. I am not the simple result of added events from the past; the "me" in the here-and-now is the "me" in the future."

It goes something like this. Imagine the ideal version of yourself. This ideal self is the person that you wish to become -- and it is the person who you are not ... yet. This future version of yourself can be achieved only through successive approximations in the present, but the goal is the guide. You are who you envision yourself to be, and in here, life is its own reward. That which you treasure will be reflected in the life you live.
Man is not the sum of what he has already, but rather the sum of what he does not yet have, of what he could have.
Jean-Paul Sartre

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Wolf in sheep's clothing

Recent events and wandering thoughts have led me to, once again, use this blog as the proverbial "ship" navigating through my stream of consciousness. Today's topic of interest deals with a subject matter near and dear to my heart: women. In particular, I desire to spend a little time calling attention to a particular kind of female who embodies a particular kind of personality. Here I'm speaking of females who portray themselves to their male peers as "the cool girl."

The "Cool Girl" thinks of herself as "one of the guys." She prides herself on her ability to blend in with the likes and the ruckus of her male friends. She is quite knowledgeable about sports, cars, and understanding male behavior. She likes to drink beer and feels more comfortable being the only female who hangs out with a group of her male buddies than with her female peers. She is, in short, a wolf in sheep's clothing because at the end of the day, the cool girl's motives are disguised and she masks her real intentions for hanging around a group of men. While she might be a "friend" to some men, she picks and chooses whom to elevate to "more than friends."

Preface

Before beginning this little exposition of mine, allow me to preface my words. The subject matter dealt herein does not and will not apply universally to all females. Therefore, there's really no point in leaving comments attempting to discredit my material on the basis that you (or others) consider yourself to be an exemption to what's being talked about. In other words, your belief about yourself does not necessarily mean that others are also exempted. If the shoe fits, wear it. If the shoe offends, then move along. The internet's a big place.

Identifying The Cool Girl

Cool girls, despite their belief in their personal uniqueness, seem to share common characteristics among one another. It should also be mentioned that "cool girls," upon meeting each other, seem to know about each other's hidden va-genda. (Did you see what I did there? I created a new word from "vagina" and "agenda." Kudos, Richard Jeni.)

  • These girls will have a disproportionate number of female to male friends. In fact, they'll almost always have more male friends than female friends. They'll explain this obvious incongruity by saying that they don't like how most other girls are full of drama and are back-stabbing. They'll also say things like, "I've always had more guy friends than girl friends." Oh, and don't forget the classic one liner, "I just get along better with men than with women." [TRANSLATION: I found the perfect way to stand out from the competition.]
  • These girls will take on and act out male sports interests. She'll like football, baseball, hockey, or whatever sport that her male "friends" are interested in. She'll even remember statistics, player names, and game rules. She'll even have a favorite team. She'll make it a point to perhaps attend a sporting event and partake in the happenings. But one thing she will not do is attend this sporting event with other women. In fact, when's the last time you've heard of a group of girls gathering at some other girl's house in order to watch sports? Exactly. Now, by contrast, when's the last time you've heard of a group of girls gathering a some guy "friend's" house to watch sports? See my point? [TRANSLATION: All she's doing is plotting future conversational pieces with common interests.]
  • These girls will make fun of other girls and will refer to their competition as a stereotype. Because cool girls tend to amplify the differences between themselves and other women (their competition), they'll almost always take the male friend's side when the male friend talks stereo-typically about women. And here's where the cool girl does her learning. While she will claim that she learned a lot from her older brother, she's been learning a lot just listening to what dudes talk about among themselves. She's drinking beer, watching sports, watching male behavior, and she's listening to the nuance details of conversations -- keeping track of slips of the tongue and inferences. 
  • Finally, the cool girl always has a plan "B." It is inevitable that a male friend will take an interest in her. If the "wrong" male friend takes an interest in her, she will excuse herself and remind him that they are just friends. But, if her intended target takes an interest in her, then it is easy enough to pass from casual friends to intimate friends. She will always have an alibi prior to her social engagements. All her seduction plans will be well thought out beforehand to account for variance in male behavior. Make no mistake, fellas. You are being watched. You are being judged.
What are you experiences with "Cool Girls" ?

Saturday, October 1, 2011

In love with the idea of love

Once upon a time, during my early teenage youth, my heart and mind darkened with chaos and confusion. Like most people my age at that time, I was discovering aspects of myself that I never knew when I was a child. I remember feeling a profound sense of loneliness and social rejection from the opposite sex. There wasn't a "traumatic moment" that I could cite as evidence; this was something I came to understand through intuition. I saw others in relationships, holding hands in the hallways at school, sneaking a kiss here and there, and glowing with the knowledge that their partner was going to be with them in between classes and at lunch. I saw that and it awakened something deep within myself; I wanted that too.

I know it sounds trivial, but such were my experiences. I wanted to meet some girl in between classes and sit with her and her crew at lunch time. I wanted to hold hands with her in public -- unashamed, and I bet sneaking in a kiss here and there with her would be interesting! It sure looked like other people enjoyed doing that! But such was not in the cards for me during that time in my life. Perhaps I wasn't tall enough or muscular enough. Maybe the fact I wore glasses meant I was a nerd. Maybe I didn't have any confidence in myself and went unnoticed to most females. Loneliness grew into bitterness over time, and my search for companionship was met with frustration, envy, and greed.

I frequently remember hearing the word "love" being tossed about. I overheard a few girls talking about how they loved how 'Jeremy' walked and how he dressed. He was funny and cool and, apparently, could do no wrong. Jeremy was "fine," and the currency of his sexuality was accepted in most places it seemed. This insight into young females taught me that boys are just as much on their minds as they are on our minds. I wondered if girls thought about me and talked about me similar to how I heard them giggle and carry on about Jeremy. The short answer was no. Girls would approach Jeremy and would begin a conversation with him. He had to nothing other than exist to get their attention. I, on the other hand, was reliable when they needed a pencil or an extra sheet of paper. Or perhaps they needed to copy my homework before class. Good 'ol reliable me always did his school work. And this made me useful to them. Being useful does not translate to any degree of sexiness.

No one ever sat down with me and discussed how my emotions would begin to evolve. No one ever discussed the meaning of love with me. And no one told me about how love might be abused or the about darkness that sometimes accompanies love.

It was up to me to figure out what 'love' was.

Other than hearing this word associated with Jeremy (and his body), I had no real idea as to what 'love' was. While flipping through the radio, I found that one of the local radio stations played love songs from radio host Delilah, and I figured that if I listened to the content of love songs, I would get an idea about what love was.

In retrospect, this was a mistake.

Love songs tend to be about longing, yearning, and seeking to find a missing piece to one's emotional puzzle. I remember thinking while reading Rollo May's Love and Will in college that the book would have been most useful to my younger self. Don't get me wrong: love songs have their place, but without life experience and without the guiding hand of a concerned adult, love songs add to the confusion of youthful searching and understanding. Some of the things I've learned about love since the time of chaos and confusion in my youth have been discussed in previous blog post, "What it means to love in 5 points."

But there is no turning back the hands of time. The frustration and loneliness that I felt all those years ago helped to shape to the man I was to become. What I could not experience through interaction, I dissected and researched. Love did not find expression through a kiss or through holding hands or through attending dances -- love was something to understand. Feelings of loneliness were something to be understood.

In my search, I wrote poetry and short stories. Writing forced me to put into words the feelings swarming inside me. Writing forced me to articulate my thoughts. I still have many of my writings from 8th-12th grade. I'll share with you something I wrote many, many years ago. (I wrote it as a poem originally, but I'll write it out as a paragraph.)

Love toys with our hearts, plays with our heads, distorts reality, and soothes our beds. A game of chess played since long ago, move and counter move, depending upon other's show. A game of guess, for each sees love different. Where one weeps, one will never lament. Love rises on pedestals, perfect in hopes, our dreams, yet, human perfection? Never what it seems. Disguised as friendship, it creeps into our lives, candle lit dinner, roses, candy. Promises and lies. Her eyes, her lips, her hair, her smile, her laugh, her scent tell to "seize the moment," but she gives no hint. Does her mystery, her uncharted body, fascinate you? If you only knew... Her curves! His tone! Finally! Together alone! Witness "friends" test what their bodies can do! Then see "new love" turn from red to blue. Surely, love must be more, but, no one will believe -- The lonely heart wishes for what the broken heart knows.