In love with the idea of love

Once upon a time, during my early teenage youth, my heart and mind darkened with chaos and confusion. Like most people my age at that time, I was discovering aspects of myself that I never knew when I was a child. I remember feeling a profound sense of loneliness and social rejection from the opposite sex. There wasn't a "traumatic moment" that I could cite as evidence; this was something I came to understand through intuition. I saw others in relationships, holding hands in the hallways at school, sneaking a kiss here and there, and glowing with the knowledge that their partner was going to be with them in between classes and at lunch. I saw that and it awakened something deep within myself; I wanted that too.

I know it sounds trivial, but such were my experiences. I wanted to meet some girl in between classes and sit with her and her crew at lunch time. I wanted to hold hands with her in public -- unashamed, and I bet sneaking in a kiss here and there with her would be interesting! It sure looked like other people enjoyed doing that! But such was not in the cards for me during that time in my life. Perhaps I wasn't tall enough or muscular enough. Maybe the fact I wore glasses meant I was a nerd. Maybe I didn't have any confidence in myself and went unnoticed to most females. Loneliness grew into bitterness over time, and my search for companionship was met with frustration, envy, and greed.

I frequently remember hearing the word "love" being tossed about. I overheard a few girls talking about how they loved how 'Jeremy' walked and how he dressed. He was funny and cool and, apparently, could do no wrong. Jeremy was "fine," and the currency of his sexuality was accepted in most places it seemed. This insight into young females taught me that boys are just as much on their minds as they are on our minds. I wondered if girls thought about me and talked about me similar to how I heard them giggle and carry on about Jeremy. The short answer was no. Girls would approach Jeremy and would begin a conversation with him. He had to nothing other than exist to get their attention. I, on the other hand, was reliable when they needed a pencil or an extra sheet of paper. Or perhaps they needed to copy my homework before class. Good 'ol reliable me always did his school work. And this made me useful to them. Being useful does not translate to any degree of sexiness.

No one ever sat down with me and discussed how my emotions would begin to evolve. No one ever discussed the meaning of love with me. And no one told me about how love might be abused or the about darkness that sometimes accompanies love.

It was up to me to figure out what 'love' was.

Other than hearing this word associated with Jeremy (and his body), I had no real idea as to what 'love' was. While flipping through the radio, I found that one of the local radio stations played love songs from radio host Delilah, and I figured that if I listened to the content of love songs, I would get an idea about what love was.

In retrospect, this was a mistake.

Love songs tend to be about longing, yearning, and seeking to find a missing piece to one's emotional puzzle. I remember thinking while reading Rollo May's Love and Will in college that the book would have been most useful to my younger self. Don't get me wrong: love songs have their place, but without life experience and without the guiding hand of a concerned adult, love songs add to the confusion of youthful searching and understanding. Some of the things I've learned about love since the time of chaos and confusion in my youth have been discussed in previous blog post, "What it means to love in 5 points."

But there is no turning back the hands of time. The frustration and loneliness that I felt all those years ago helped to shape to the man I was to become. What I could not experience through interaction, I dissected and researched. Love did not find expression through a kiss or through holding hands or through attending dances -- love was something to understand. Feelings of loneliness were something to be understood.

In my search, I wrote poetry and short stories. Writing forced me to put into words the feelings swarming inside me. Writing forced me to articulate my thoughts. I still have many of my writings from 8th-12th grade. I'll share with you something I wrote many, many years ago. (I wrote it as a poem originally, but I'll write it out as a paragraph.)

Love toys with our hearts, plays with our heads, distorts reality, and soothes our beds. A game of chess played since long ago, move and counter move, depending upon other's show. A game of guess, for each sees love different. Where one weeps, one will never lament. Love rises on pedestals, perfect in hopes, our dreams, yet, human perfection? Never what it seems. Disguised as friendship, it creeps into our lives, candle lit dinner, roses, candy. Promises and lies. Her eyes, her lips, her hair, her smile, her laugh, her scent tell to "seize the moment," but she gives no hint. Does her mystery, her uncharted body, fascinate you? If you only knew... Her curves! His tone! Finally! Together alone! Witness "friends" test what their bodies can do! Then see "new love" turn from red to blue. Surely, love must be more, but, no one will believe -- The lonely heart wishes for what the broken heart knows.

What it means to love in 5 points.

1. Love is relational. This means that at least two individuals are necessary in order for love to exist; when an individual is both the object and the subject of love, then the love is deficient and is called narcissism. When "the other" receives all of the attention at the expense of self-care, then the love is deficient and is called dependency. However, when love is reciprocal and each partner has the best interests of the other in mind, and love flows from one toward the other in harmonious symbiosis, then love thrives. Love is not in love with itself but rather finds is expression with another.
2. Love is an art. This means that love penetrates and permeates all aspects of one's life; love is not relative to a situation but rather finds expression in all situations because it is always-already embodied within the person in those situations. An example of this is how we imagine a potential partner interacting with us similar to how they interact with strangers. A potential partner who angrily curses the waiter or waitress for a wrong food order while in the same breath expressing intimate romantic interest sparks a contradiction of character. Similarly, if a potential partner can treat strangers with a cold cruelty, then it must be asked much a stretch it would be for that coldness to be directed toward the lover. 
3. Love is patient. A loving heart recognizes that each person is on a journey and that encounters with others happen at different points during their journey. People encountered one another during the course of each individual's journey; each encounters the other in a constant state of change and development. Sometimes, one person or the other is happy. Other times, people are mad. And there are times that people are sad. In addition, emotional and intellectual developmental differences evolve over time, and the person encountered during one segment of time might be be different at another segment. Human beings are not static things; we are always in the process of "becoming," or stated in another manner, "our being is our becoming." Love takes into account the constant movements of the human heart while traversing across life and shows patience for the developmental processes of the heart.
4. Love is kind. A loving person acts with generosity and acts for the greater good of both self and other, even when neither really "deserve" love. Every person has their enemies, it seems. The loving person also loves their enemies. Every person has been wronged by someone else at some point in time or other; the loving person forgives those who have caused them wrong. Love is unconditional in the sense that love is given to all without first pondering worthiness. 
5. Love is quiet. Stated in another manner, "love is its own reward." Real love happens not for the sake of social recognition; real love has no monetary benefit. Love is given and love is received because love itself it the goal of love, and all those involved with it gain personal benefit from participation. Love needs no other motivation than its own expression and its own fulfillment. 

I invite my readers to leave comments about what they believe to be the most universal aspects of love.

Your Codependency is Annoying

I understand the importance of communication.

But "constant communication" with a significant other points to deeper insecurities that are, well, annoying. Let me illuminate:

Nothing smacks of codependency more than being attached to the cellphone, speaking with your partner about whatever-the-latest-drama-or-catastrophe is. And it is an utter "hell-in-a-hand-basket ... the-world-is-ending-amid-horror-and-terror" catastrophe, isn't it? What needed to be said must be said here and now with either a call or through a text message ... preferably both, just in case one or the other was accidentally missed.

But we both know that there are no real "accidents" with cell phones, right? Isn't "accident" just another name for "excuse?" Everyone knows that your number would be recorded as a missed call. The reason why he or she isn't returning your call with the same sense of urgency is because they're ignoring you. Yeah, you're being ignored because he's talking to another woman, or she's hooking up with another man. That's right. That must be it. The sacred and mature "love" and "trust" that forms the foundation of your relationship is being contaminated with the drippy sweat from another person. And it's happening right now -- it has to be. They're not thinking about you, right? And it's not too far of a step to assume that they're thinking about someone else. You'd better send a text message ... just in case. And while you're at it, send 2 more, ... hell, send a dozen until they call you back. Do whatever it takes to force them to think about you!

And when they actually call back, it signals the beginning of the next ritual: the apologetic explanation. They must explain the reason, the ever so important and dire reason, why they didn't answer the first time you called or texted. The reason seems to be the same -- they were doing something else -- something more important and more significant than you -- and couldn't get to the phone in time. "Yeah right," you think. "How does that excuse you from not checking your call history?" Thoughts such as, "You were with another woman, weren't you? You were hoeing around with someone else, huh?" fill your mind. And now you're mad. You love them so much, and look at how you're repaid. They don't really love you, do they? They mustn't because they prove it, time and time again, by how they ignore listening to that "hell-in-a-hand-basket ... the-world-is-ending-amid-horror-and-terror" catastrophe of yours.

That kind of drama seems to happen every five minutes, doesn't it?

That kind of drama keeps happening every time you two are apart, right?

I know you don't care how people see your relationship from the outside. What do other people know? It's your relationship and other people have no business in it. Who cares what they think. And that's true. No one else has any business in your relationship. But your codependency advertises the short comings of your relationship to other people; it's like watching a plague spread. It's like seeing a bright neon sign 20 miles away in the dark desert. Everyone knows what it is.

Somehow you think and believe you must monitor and check up on your significant other through the guise of care and concern. You're not fooling everyone. Statistically speaking, there's not even a snowball's chance in hell that so much drama has spontaneously developed from the time your partner left your physical presence. Seriously, do you keep track of how much time passes BEFORE you initiate that first call of the day ... each day ... every day ... any time you're physically apart from one another?

I'm sorry.
Did I offend you?
I wouldn't know such a thing existed if it weren't for me seeing it and hearing it each time I ventured out in public.